I am not mad nor crazy. I am just ADHD!
Bloggers Note : It took me nearly 3 months to finish off this post. I got easily distracted by anything and everything. But I finally did it!! Hurrah for me!
People have often mentioned, "being a avid biker must be so awesome" or "you learnt how to cook, that so cool man" or "wow you are a part of so many business verticals". But do you know the real story behind all these things is actually triggered by a mental disease.
People have often mentioned, "being a avid biker must be so awesome" or "you learnt how to cook, that so cool man" or "wow you are a part of so many business verticals". But do you know the real story behind all these things is actually triggered by a mental disease.
ADHD : Attention Deficit Hyper-Active Disorder
The problem is not knowing when to stop, but how can I stop?
People with attention deficit hyper active disorder are really special. They are actually super humans. I had been living with ADHD for 20 years before realizing it. It was my boss who found out and asked me to get it checked. He further added that people with ADHD do really well in life. I didn't take it seriously till things got a bit serious.
I had mood swings. Really bad ones. It was like I had menstrual cycles everyday despite of being a man. I used to get pissed off at everything and everyone. I was made to bottle up my creativity and keep it shut.
I hated loud places esp malls. There were too many things running in my head and I couldn't stop them. I finally had my great big bang. I lashed out on people, I threw things around and I stopped talking to everyone. I locked up myself to keep me away from the world. I truly believed that I was mad and I should be taken to an asylum and locked up for good. I drowned myself into topics like History, Physics and etc to keep my mind sane. But then I had so many things and so many words in my head that I couldn't focus on anything for long.
I had mood swings. Really bad ones. It was like I had menstrual cycles everyday despite of being a man. I used to get pissed off at everything and everyone. I was made to bottle up my creativity and keep it shut.
I hated loud places esp malls. There were too many things running in my head and I couldn't stop them. I finally had my great big bang. I lashed out on people, I threw things around and I stopped talking to everyone. I locked up myself to keep me away from the world. I truly believed that I was mad and I should be taken to an asylum and locked up for good. I drowned myself into topics like History, Physics and etc to keep my mind sane. But then I had so many things and so many words in my head that I couldn't focus on anything for long.
It was mid-way through 2013, and I’d heard all through school and college how there were counselors/shrinks to help us with whatever we were dealing with, whenever we needed it. Not knowing where else to turn, I made an appointment, confident that doing so had sealed my fate with the men and women in white coats who I was certain were ready and waiting to take me away.
Nervously I made an appointment, but from the very start, it didn’t go as I anticipated. The woman I was to meet I imagined would either be a social worker type who had given so much to helping others that she appeared to be beaten down by life, or a hyper-professional, with a clipboard, glasses she’d straighten often, and degrees posted all over her office walls. But this woman was neither. She was soft, kind, and smiling, like a gentle mother. It caught me off guard, putting me slightly as ease, though I was still terrified of what she would think of me when I told her my story. I was, after all, a very successful professional with a very promising future. And I was there to confess that I was probably insane.
“So what seems to be the trouble, dear?” I remember her asking.
My heart raced wildly. This was it. In a moment I’d tell her everything, and she’d discretely press a hidden button to alert the men in the white coats to bring in the straight jacket. I took a deep breath and crossed my legs.Unconsciously my top leg began to bob frantically up and down as it had done for as long as I could remember. Perhaps I could still make it to the door or tell her it was all a big mistake?
But then it all came spilling out. “I can’t concentrate. I spend hours trying to force myself to read but often I can hardly get past the first few lines. I can’t keep track of time. One minute I’ve got three hours until I have to be there, and the next I’m twenty minutes late. I can’t sit still in office I need work all the time. While the clients/ investors talk, all I can think about it how much it hurts to try to keep myself in my seat.” I took another breath, knowing that what I had to say next would force her to push that button and send in the jacket (as if it could keep me still). “All I want to do is run up jump on my bosses desk, and yell, “HOW CAN YOU ALL JUST SIT THERE?”
Gulp.
But instead reaching for a button, the only muscles she moved were those in her face, turning her expression ever so slightly. She smiled at me. And not with the look of “Oh my god, this man is insane.” It was a warm expression, like the one of a woman ready to hand you fresh-baked cookies.
Maybe she didn’t hear what I just said? I thought. Perhaps there was still time to climb out the window?
But she was still smiling.
“Child,” she said. “You aren’t crazy. You’re ADHD.”
Huh? There I was planning in my head what to do after the session and now I had a abbreviation that I couldn't find in my brilliant mind.
I cannot describe to you how taken aback I was by this suggestion. Somehow it had never even occurred to me, despite the fact that my friend had been diagnosed hyperactive as a child. Honestly, I’m not sure if I even believed it until after I left her office and, being the nerdy kid I am (hooray for hyperfocus when doing things we love), poured myself into research which revealed she was right: I was a poster child not just for ADHD but for then new idea that ADHD affects adults as well as children. (The old idea was that people grew out of it, which is why they believed that if you took medication as a child, eventually you wouldn’t need it anymore and could go on to live a normal life. Subsequent research has shown that for many of us, this simply isn’t true, which is why learning coping strategies early in life may be just a good if not a better route than medication.)
Knowing this I went to another psychologist to get a second opinion. However the things she mentioned were a lil scary.
"There adults who have ADHD may have a history of failure at school, problems at work, or difficult or failed relationships. Many have had multiple traffic accidents. Like teens, adults with ADHD may seem restless and may try to do several things at once, most of them unsuccessfully. They also tend to prefer "quick fixes," rather than taking the steps needed to achieve greater rewards."
I on the other hand had these problems but in the work front I was always on top. I guess its something to do with my sun sign. I am a scorpio by zodiac and people born under this sign go through all this but mine prolongated and caused trouble for me as well as people around me. But whatever coming back to it. I was never good in studies however as I grew up my knowledge about things increased and if at this age I would give any school exam I would probably score a 100 only if the examiner was able to understand my hand writing.
So about the failed relationships yes. I had multiple girl friends and by the time I was 24 I could not keep a track of the women I had dated. It was not that I was the reincarnation of the legendary Casanova but I really got bored with stuff. However in my last relationship I was locked up. I couldn't do anything in life. Everything turned into a profit and loss statement. A something today is something tomorrow. I was made to drill such mantras into my head, which led to something that I probably should regret. I when finally got free from all that shit I could focus on things better. I was able to spend time with my thoughts and spend time with them. It was beautiful.
People with ADHD zone out. They really zone out. They just can't control themselves from having these sudden urges to do stuff. Even when they might look totally bored or in control of themselves there are a million beautiful thoughts running in their mind but the problem is that they can't cope up with it. The easiest way to do so is by writing everything down on a paper when you have such urges. The next step is to mark out your Priority and urgency of doing the thing. Then take a deep breath and start it off.
Thats what I do when I have my "on" days, but when I have my "off" days I can just stay in bed look at the wall and think about how can I paint it. Even in my "off" days I can actually focus on something more than a normal person. Which makes it all the more interesting.
So an example of my syndrome.. On the first of January 2015. I had planned to do a solo bike ride. When I left I had only one target in mind. Do over a 50 Kms in a day. I raced to my first target like a mad man. However upon reaching there rather than celebrating my success I was planning to go to a Historical park and sit there for a while. Well that was peaceful. Upon reaching the park, I was on my phone searching for DSLRs online. I wanted to buy a camera and I wanted it rite now. It took a great amount of convincing myself to drag my ass out of the park. When I did I saw some kids playing on the street. So I joined them and shared my nutrition bar with them. While sharing my bars I realized I need to do something for these kids. Probably open up a school or a welfare organization. I took out my phone and called up all my friends. Once again I had zoned out. I started dreaming of the life I would have if I became a social working. I had troubles focusing one on my 50 Km mark again. Again a great argument was taking place in my head, either return to my 50km journey or play with the kids and the dogs. I finally returned back to biking and reached somewhere and then somewhere and then somewhere. But I had a great experience that. I did over 87 kms and by the time I reached back home I was really happy and excited to do more. In fact I even went out for a 10 kms walk that evening. Which was again peaceful..
ADHD’s a Gift, not a Disorder
The advantages I’ve found in my experience with ADHD are many, including:
Knowing this I went to another psychologist to get a second opinion. However the things she mentioned were a lil scary.
"There adults who have ADHD may have a history of failure at school, problems at work, or difficult or failed relationships. Many have had multiple traffic accidents. Like teens, adults with ADHD may seem restless and may try to do several things at once, most of them unsuccessfully. They also tend to prefer "quick fixes," rather than taking the steps needed to achieve greater rewards."
I on the other hand had these problems but in the work front I was always on top. I guess its something to do with my sun sign. I am a scorpio by zodiac and people born under this sign go through all this but mine prolongated and caused trouble for me as well as people around me. But whatever coming back to it. I was never good in studies however as I grew up my knowledge about things increased and if at this age I would give any school exam I would probably score a 100 only if the examiner was able to understand my hand writing.
So about the failed relationships yes. I had multiple girl friends and by the time I was 24 I could not keep a track of the women I had dated. It was not that I was the reincarnation of the legendary Casanova but I really got bored with stuff. However in my last relationship I was locked up. I couldn't do anything in life. Everything turned into a profit and loss statement. A something today is something tomorrow. I was made to drill such mantras into my head, which led to something that I probably should regret. I when finally got free from all that shit I could focus on things better. I was able to spend time with my thoughts and spend time with them. It was beautiful.
People with ADHD zone out. They really zone out. They just can't control themselves from having these sudden urges to do stuff. Even when they might look totally bored or in control of themselves there are a million beautiful thoughts running in their mind but the problem is that they can't cope up with it. The easiest way to do so is by writing everything down on a paper when you have such urges. The next step is to mark out your Priority and urgency of doing the thing. Then take a deep breath and start it off.
Thats what I do when I have my "on" days, but when I have my "off" days I can just stay in bed look at the wall and think about how can I paint it. Even in my "off" days I can actually focus on something more than a normal person. Which makes it all the more interesting.
So an example of my syndrome.. On the first of January 2015. I had planned to do a solo bike ride. When I left I had only one target in mind. Do over a 50 Kms in a day. I raced to my first target like a mad man. However upon reaching there rather than celebrating my success I was planning to go to a Historical park and sit there for a while. Well that was peaceful. Upon reaching the park, I was on my phone searching for DSLRs online. I wanted to buy a camera and I wanted it rite now. It took a great amount of convincing myself to drag my ass out of the park. When I did I saw some kids playing on the street. So I joined them and shared my nutrition bar with them. While sharing my bars I realized I need to do something for these kids. Probably open up a school or a welfare organization. I took out my phone and called up all my friends. Once again I had zoned out. I started dreaming of the life I would have if I became a social working. I had troubles focusing one on my 50 Km mark again. Again a great argument was taking place in my head, either return to my 50km journey or play with the kids and the dogs. I finally returned back to biking and reached somewhere and then somewhere and then somewhere. But I had a great experience that. I did over 87 kms and by the time I reached back home I was really happy and excited to do more. In fact I even went out for a 10 kms walk that evening. Which was again peaceful..
ADHD’s a Gift, not a Disorder
The advantages I’ve found in my experience with ADHD are many, including:
- hyper-creativity
- outside-of-the-box thinking
- the ability to see and make connections in ideas, processes, objects, and events others don’t
- huge bursts of energy
- the ability to remain child-like
- willingness to dance like a Muppet to make others laugh
- desire to lead rather than follow
